ORWELLIAN BRIEFING
That F**king Pregnant Dog

Nov. 22 - First, if you don't normally check in on the MoronAbroad blog, I can't blame you. I haven't been updating it as regularly as I'd like to, especially since opening up the Moronic Underground. But I have to refer you over there for the story of Molli's visit to the U.S. embassy to apply for American citizenship—a visit at which she was greeted as "the Famous Molli Malou."

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We're beginning to ramp up for our move, I'm getting busy at work, I've got another important Studieskolen exam in three weeks, I'm doing my best to rewrite my book, and the holidays are basically upon us, so I'm going to have to begin the annual holiday break a little early this year. In fact, I'm declaring my vacation effective right now.

I'll stay active on MoronAbroad and I'll continue to participate in Moronic Underground discussions, so hopefully I'll see you in one of those two venues. Otherwise, enjoy the holidays and I'll see you right here in 2005!

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The Moronic Underground, in case you haven't yet visited, is my new message board. I'm the moderator. I'm a very laissez-faire kind of moderator. I don't moderate so much as abide. Call me the Moronic Abider.

The message board isn't on this website. It's on a larger website (Proboards.com) whose business it is to host other people's message boards in exchange for the right to advertise on those boards. It's an equitable arrangement.

ProBoards has a feature called "Set Censored Words" in which the moderator (administrator) of a given message board can "censor" specific words or phrases. This is done by typing in the word or phrase to be replaced and the word or phrase to replace it with, separated by an equal sign.

"Fuck = f**k," they offer by way of example. Any use of the word "fuck" on the message board would subsequently be converted automatically to "f**k."

I didn't realize it, but the "Censored Word" list isn't blank when you start up a message board. The system comes loaded with a default list—the ProBoards schoolmarm, if you will.

It was brought to my attention by some of the men and woman participating in the forum that the Schoolmarm was a little out of control. If you wrote "Dick Cheney," for example, the Schoolmarm instantly transformed the vice-president's first name to "thingy."

After some prodding, I finally managed to track the Schoolmarm down. I was astonished at what I found. I reproduce below, in its entirety, the default "Censored Word" settings.

The Official ProBoards(tm) Schoolmarm Lexicon

kiss my ass=I disagree
my ass=I disagree
goddamn=d**n
damn=d**n
asshole=not a very nice person
shit=nuts
shitty=crappy
shithead=meathead
fuck=f**k
fucker=f**k*r
fucking=f**k**g
motherfucker=m*th*rf**k*r
motherfucking=m*th*rf**k**g
penis=thingy
cock=thingy
dick=thingy
shlong=thingy
vagina=girl thingy
pussie=girl thingy
pussies=girl thingies
pussy=girl thingy
cunt=thingy
poonanny=poohead
poon=thingy
twat=thingy
whore=sleeper
bitch=pregnant dog
slut=very *friendly* person
faggot=f*g**t
fagget=f*g**t
fag=f*g
dike=d**e
dyke=d**e
nigger=black person

There are so many problems with this list one hardly knows where to begin. Or maybe one does. I, however, do not. So I'm going to adopt a freewheeling critical style.

First of all it's not alphabetical. That suggests a lack of order and method in the schoolmarm's thinking. I believe, however, that this is the least of her problems.

Order and method are not in themselves enough to compensate for a complete lack of logic—and if there's anything the Schoolmarm lacks, it's logic. Not only is there no discernible logic—it's impossible to even guess at the thinking that went into her list.

Let's begin with the biological. Fucking is bad, but blowjobs are okay. And although pussy and pussies are both covered (so to speak), the pluralized "cunts" is not. Neither are poons, twats, cocks, or dicks. Why do penis and vagina earn the Schoolmarm's contempt, while fellatio, cunnilingus, analingus, sodomy, pederasty, and other "technical" terms earn her approval? Why are shitty and shithead censored, while shittier, shittiest, and shitfaced are allowed? Why has she nothing to say about piss? Why does the Schoolmarm object, as even network television does not, to the use of ass in possessive phrases?

What do we make of the Schoolmarm's obsession with particular parts of human genitalia and her absolute indifference to mammary glands? Has she nothing to say about testicles, labia, the vulva, the clitoris, breasts, or nipples? Is she at peace with tits?

Indeed, the Schoolmarm presents an interesting study of American identity politics. Blacks, homosexuals, and women-as-sexual-objects are covered. No one else. Kike? Spick? Mick? Kraut? Wetback? Dago? Gook? Raghead? Cracker? Hymie? Frog? Gringo? Wog? Eat nuts, m*th*rf**k*r!

I could understand a Schoolmarm that censored the traditional litany of roughly seven "naughty" words. Fair enough. Even those of us with gutter mouths know that certain words are considered inappropriate in certain circumstances.

But the Schoolmarm goes beyond mere cussing into realms I can't begin to fathom. She's a sort of prude, politically-correct, hysterical uber-preganant dog.

Thingy? Girl thingies? Poohead? Nuts?

Even if you're in total agreement with the Schoolmarm's selection of offensive terms, what do we make of her replacement offerings? What do we make of someone who finds some words so offensive she must even censor consonants?

I'm incapable of imagining the depth of ignorance require to persuade someone that most uses of the phrase "my ass" could be felicitously replaced with "I disagree." Or that anyone old enough to read would be more offended by "penis" and "vagina" than "thingy" and "girl thingy." (And for someone trying to be politically correct, how politically incorrect is that?)

I'm not familiar with the word "sleeper" as anything but the title of a Woody Allen movie and a type of railway car, so I'll assume the Schoolmarm knows more about whores than I do. But the idea that "slut" is best replaced with "very *friendly* person" is beyond ridiculous. It is sublime. Do you see the way the Schoolmarm tries to honor the intent of the offender by emphasizing friendly with asterisks, as if to imply—what, exactly? Sarcasm? Irony? Disapproval? Or just more disallowed vowels and consonants? Maybe "yfriendlyg" is Finnish for whorish.

And at last we come to the Schoolmarm's greatest achievement: the substitution of "pregnant dog" for bitch. What in the name of God has pregnancy got to do with it? Presumably bitch would most often be used as a perjorative. The helpful Schoolmarm is therefore not content to make the literal translation from "bitch" to "female dog," and after her misadventures with "slut" she may be shy of more complex solutions. So she makes the dog pregnant, and hey presto! Pejorative ahoy!

Why not replace bastard with "pregnant child born out of wedlock?"

Well, I obviously no sooner found the Schoolmarm strutting smugly and insanely around her little corner of my message board than I obliterated her.

I shared the news of her demise with the board, and one member suggested using the Schoolmarm as a source of fun. He suggested several humorous and ironic replacements. I have to admit, the possibilities for mischief are inspiring—but I'm going to leave it alone, because as far as I'm concerned the only good Schoolmarm is a dead Schoolmarm.

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If you haven't been to Moron Abroad yet, you haven't seen this picture:

Think what you're missing!

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Holland is having problems. And, since their political establisment appears unable to do anything constructive ("People have threatenend to kill me!" "Okay, we'll help you hide!"), how long before roving bands of outraged Dutch secularists begin administering beatings to immigrant Muslims critical of secularism? How long before secret Dutch secularist societies begin holding meetings and planning the decapitations of the imams in their midst?

I've said it before, I'll say it again: good Muslims of the world! Attention! Your religion needs you! Round up your crazies and calm them down fast. Civilized people do not administer beatings to people who disagree with them. What do you think this is, the NBA?

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On November 22, 1963, a covert CIA operation privately funded by a plutocratic cabal of multinational industrial interests acting in conjunction with extraterrestrial forces and the Knights Templar succeeded in making it appear that Lee Harvey Oswald had assassinated President John F. Kennedy.

Today is the birthday of Mariel Hemingway (1961), Jamie Lee Curtis (1958), Billie Jean King (1943), Robert Vaughn (1932), Rodney Dangerfield (1921), Benjamin Britten (1913), Hoagy Carmichael (1899), Charles de Gaulle (1890), and George Eliot (1819).

It's Independence Day in Lebanon.

Happy Monday, and enjoy the holidays!

2004, The Moron's Almanac™

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