DAILY BRIEFING
The Nipple Thing

Jun. 8 - I wanted to talk a little about the preparations for Sunday's European Parliament elections, but (a) there haven't really been any, and (b) I gotta tell you about this thing I saw.

As the Simpsons wrapped up on channel 3+ last night (Maude Flanders is killed in a freak tee-shirt-cannon accident), I leaned back in the couch and enjoyed the feeling of cushion against my spine. It was good to have those bandages off. We had just eaten. I was feeling very relaxed.

My eyes were still on the television, but I was hardly paying attention. It looked like a standard beer ad. Three or four sexy young women with big boobs and skin-tight tops were partying up at a bar. Oh, but wait, they're doing shots—it's not a beer ad, it's a liquor ad.

I suddenly notice that two of the girls have begun clutching their own breasts, one in each hand, and giggling with surprised delight.

The ad now has my rapt attention.

One girl is still finishing her shot while the others feel themselves up. Still grasping their own breasts, they stare at her chest and laugh as her nipples grow erect. Grow? They damn near tear through her shirt! Unlike her friends, she makes no effort to conceal her protrusions. She merely shrugs, glances down at them, and laughs in such a way as to give her breasts an attractive jiggle.

The point of the ad? Jagermeister should be served cold. Or Jagermeister makes your nipples hard. Or girls will feel themselves up if you give them Jager shots. Or something. ("Buy some fucking Jagermeister right now!" is probably a pretty good paraphrase of the subtext, in any case.)

I'm not sure what the point is, actually, although now that I think of it I think I did once attend a bachelor party at which guests were invited to lick Jagermeister off a stripper's nipples. I'm not sure what the point of that was, either—it struck me as an incredibly inefficient way to do shots. I left the stripper alone and stuck to a shotglass.

I can't help wondering how this ad would go down in the states. It gets me curious as to why we're such a nipple-averse culture. Which gets me thinking about breasts—American breasts, Danish breasts, random breasts of unknown national origin—and. . . where was I?

Never mind.

Respectful Dissent

In response to yesterday's mention of the Treaty of Tordesillas, a friend replies:

...I just read your Almanac entry and must respectfully disagree with your line: "You will never be standing at a cocktail party where someone says, 'It's all because of that damn Treaty of Tordesillas.'"

While I will concede that I have not actually uttered the exact words at a cocktail party, I have certainly thought the very words (or something close to them) a few times. Most memorably when I found myself at the University trying to read an article from a Brazilian scientific Journal. And the damn institute had only a Spanish-Danish dictionary. So I was trying to do the conversion from Portuguese to Spanish (since they are related kinda like Danish and Swedish) by guessing what a Spanish version of each word looked like and looking it up. This was before online translations reached the wonderful heights you demonstrated a few days ago. Needless to say, before long I happened to look out the window (The Niels Bohr Institute on Blegdamsvej is located right next to Fælledparken in Østerbro), saw that the weather was wonderful, and went outside to catch some rays and eat ice cream. I never did get to find out if the article might have been relevant to my thesis on distance determination for globular clusters and how that relates to the Age of the Universe. And it was all because of that damn Treaty of Tordesillas!

After all, when Spain and Portugal signed the Treaty, which specified how they were to divide the world between them, they assured that Brazil would end up speaking Portuguese and the rest of South and Central America would speak Spanish.

This division of labor between the two also ensured that a rising Spain did not have to fight it out with Portugal, but could get on with it and concentrate full bore on meeting the natives in the new world and introduce them to new and exotic diseases. While Montezuma probably never heard of the Treaty, had his dying words been "Damn the treaty of Tordesillas!" it would have been very appropriate.

I stand corrected. So how about this: You will never be standing at a cocktail party where someone says, "It's all because of that goddam distance determination for globular clusters!"

* * *

Why do Europeans have such inaccurate ideas about America? Maybe because their "news" is so inaccurate?

Other Nonsense

Ives W. McGaffey of Chicago patented his "sweeping machine," the first suction vacuum cleaner, on June 8, 1869, suggesting that Chicago was famous for sucking long before the emergence of the Cubs.

On June 8, 632, Mohammed died. He was the founder of Islam, and his death was the first in a long chain of events that ultimately resulted in the Treaty of Tordesillas.

Birthdays and Holidays

June 8 birthdays include Boz Scaggs (1944), Nancy Sinatra (1940), Barbara Bush (1925), Frank Lloyd Wright (1867), R.A. Schumann (1810), and Sir Francis Crick (1916).

Happy Tuesday!

© 2004, The Moron's Almanac™

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