DAILY BRIEFING
Weekend Mix

May 21 - We begin Week 28 today (Friday). Bean can now be detected pretty easily. She moves about almost constantly and the DMG claims that the thrusts and parries are more "specific" than they used to be. Until recently, there was no way of knowing exactly where the Bean was wtihout an ultrasound, and her most violent movements produced only little ripples of movement along the DMG's abdomen. These days, you can actually feel her through the DMG's belly and her sharpest kicks and punches actually "punch up" the flesh.

We haven't been singing or talking to her as much as I think we'd originally planned to. That's fine with me, because it suggests we may be normal parents after all. We'll make magnificent plans for raising the perfect child, carry them out for a couple of days, then fall right back into regular life. I'm sure there are some parents out there playing Mozart and Chopin and early Miles Davis to their unborn kids every night, and spending hours every day talking to them in calm and caring tones about wonderful things. I'll acknowledge their superiority as soon as I meet them.

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They have some cool 3D ultrasounds over here.

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As I mentioned in Moron Abroad Thursday night, I was summoned to the royal residence to provide the queen with some much needed training in the game of craps. She was a pretty quick study. Although she still throws too much of her bankroll away on some of the sillier prop bets, I'm confident she's prepared to hand the Norwegian royal family the drubbing they so richly deserve.

The Usual Weekend Almanac

On May 21, 1471, King Henry VI of England was murdered in the Tower of London, concluding Part III of his reign. Edward IV assumed the throne as the world eagerly awaited Richard III and the dramatic conclusion of the War of the Roses.

May 21 is not Flag Day in Australia.

On May 21,1927, Charles Lindbergh became the first man to fly alone across the Atlantic Ocean. Exactly five years later Amelia Earhart became the first woman to do it. This was an impressive blow for feminism, but it should be weighed against the observation that on April 30, 1789, George Washington became the first man to serve as President of the United States.

On May 21, 1821, Napoleon Bonaparte died in exile on the island of St. Helena. He was believed to have died of a cancerous perforated stomach ulcer but subsequent scientific analysis of preserved locks of his hair revealed he may have been poisoned with arsenic. This discovery encouraged scientists to develop the Law of Napoleonic Complexity, which states that for every retired emperor there is a damned lot of arsenic.

Richard Wagner was born on May 22, 1813. One of the most controversial personalities of the nineteenth century, Wagner wrote some of its most controversial music. Hitler is said for most of his life to have kept only three books on his nightstand: Wagner's autobiography, Machiavelli's The Prince, and The Best of Juggs. (How Hitler ended up with Wagner's nightstand is a question best left alone.)

Wagner considered it his life's mission to create a new and purely German music, in German, about Germany, for Germans, and is therefore best known for having scored the helicopter scene in Apocalypse Now.

On May 22, 1939, Hitler and Benito Mussolini signed their "Pact of Steel," committing their countries to a military alliance. The pact held. (Their "Pact of Aluminum" had failed miserably, and their "Pact of Semi-Adhesive Paste" is still the butt of diplomats' jokes.)

Friedrich Anton Mesmer was born on May 23, 1734. Mr. Mesmer was a physician and hypnotist who developed a peculiar method of therapy-by-suggestion that bears his name to this day: Antonism. (Antonism should not be confused with antonyms, an antonym for synonyms. Synonyms should not be confused with cinnamon, which is used on hot buns. It will spare embarrassment at the breakfast table if hot buns are not confused with hot buns.)

200 years later, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were riddled with bullets in a police ambush, which only goes to show.

Birthdays, Holidays

Mr. T turns 52 on the 21st. He shares his birthday with Raymond Burr (1917), Harold Robbins (1916), Fats Waller (1904), and Alexander Pope (1688).

Naomi Campbell turns 34 on the 22nd. She shares her birthday with Richard Benjamin (1938), Laurence Olivier (1907), Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1859), and the aforementioned Wagner (1813).

Celebrating May 23 along with old Mesmer are Drew Carey (1958), Marvin Hagler (1952), Rosemary Clooney (1928), Scatman Crothers (1910), and Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. (1883).

The 21st is Battle of Iquique Day in Chile and Napoleon's Death Day in St. Helena.

The 22nd is Republic Day in Sri Lanka and the Day of National Unity in Yemen, but it's still not Flag Day in Australia.

May 23 is Constitution Day in Germany, Labor Day in Jamaica, and Constitutional Ammendment Day in Morocco.

Enjoy the weekend.

2004, The Moron's Almanac™

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