DAILY BRIEFING
Schism

May 6 - Regular readers may recall that in our last election cycle I launched The Moron Party. After failing to win my own primary, I dropped out of my own race and the party was never heard from again.

Until yesterday.

That's when I got a friendly email from a guy in Texas who had just registered MoronParty.com and thought maybe we could work together.

We can't.

But he was very friendly in his email and even honored me by referring to me as the "#1 Moron Party man." How could I not link to the site of someone that nice?

The Wedding is Coming

Denmark's "Wedding of the Century" is just eight days away.

Crown Prince Frederik and Mary Elizabeth Donaldson will be getting married in just eight days, so Denmark is on the brink of total hysteria. If you buy a copy of the current issue of "Se & HÝr" magazine, for example, you get a free heart-shaped keychain emblazoned with the slogan, "We love you Mary and Frederik" (or words to that effect).

Mary, a beautiful Tasmanian, won my own heart about a year ago, when one of the local papers announced in a NY Post-style headline that she was speaking Danish. I didn't know much about her at the time, but I was heartened by the fact that Danish was so hard to learn that you could get a headline just for learning it.

I'll keep covering the events, and lead-in to the events, on that American moron in Denmark blog, as well as right here. (Again, apologies for the awkward link, but I need to do these thinks to keep the search engines on my side.)

Hi, Anxiety

It's National Anxiety Disorders Screening Day in the United States. For the third or fourth year in a row, I'm providing a free screening to all readers.

You can take this test right where you are.

Place the middle and index fingers of your right hand on your left wrist, applying just enough pressure to feel the gentle beating of your blood. That gentle beating is called your "pulse." This "pulse" proves you are alive, which is an indisputable symptom of anxiety disorders.

Medicate yourself as soon as possible and repeat until the world is bearable.

If you don't think you suffer from any anxiety disorders, and you think that the world is bearable just as it is, congratulations! You've already been lobotomized.

Birthdays and Holidays (and the Hindenburg)

On May 6, 1758, Maximilien-Francois-Marie-Isidore de Robespierre was born. Even in the revolutionary context of his age, Mr. Robespierre stands out as one of the most revolting figures in history.

M. Robespierre fought valiantly to help revolutionary France achieve liberty, fraternity, and equality but inadvertently caused an unfortunate turn of weather known as the "rain of terror."

At first this rain caused only French loyalists to lose their heads, but M. Robespierre's egalitarian convictions led him to conclude that citoyens from all walks of life should lose theirs as well. The celebrated chemist Atoine-Laurent Lavoisier, for example, was beheaded on May 8, 1794 for having identified oxygen, which people mistakenly thought to be one of the noble gases.

M. Robespierre ended up losing his own head on the guillotine; this was called poetic justice by some Frenchmen and irony by others. This disagreement eventually produced the Napoleonic Age, in which soldiers had to crawl on their stomachs until Napoleon was disabled by the sight of Elba. On May 6, 1937, the Hindenberg crashed and burned in Lakehurst, New Jersey, killing thirty-six but providing a really cool cover for Led Zepplin's first album.

The Moron's Almanac extends birthday greetings to British Prime Minister Tony Blair on the occassion of his 51st Birthday today—I'm guessing he'll be happy to leave his 50th year behind him.

It's also the birthday of George Clooney (1961), who probably won't be sending Mr. Blair a birthday card, Willie Mays (1931), Orson Welles (1915), Rudolph Valentino (1895), and Sigmund Freud (1856).

It's the Day of Bravery in the Philippines, Martyrs' Day in Lebanon and Syria—probably a nice holiday to avoid if you're American, British, Danish, Polish, Italian, Bulgarian, Australian... on second thought, it's Tourist Appreciation Day and Nurses Day in America, so somebody's obviously done the math already.

Happy Thursday!

© 2004, The Moron's Almanac™

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