DAILY BRIEFING
Impatience

Feb. 27 - It's Week 16 of the pregnancy. The DMG's belly, which has been swelling for weeks, is finally protruding enough that she actually looks pregnant. Not very pregnant, just visibly knocked up.

One of the DMG's close friends gave birth to a girl on Wednesday morning. The DMG paid a visit to mother and child at the hospital Thursday night and came home in a state of amazement. The baby, she said, was magnificent and adorable.

"I'm glad it wasn't an actual newborn," she said. "They're really ugly when they first come out. They're covered in all the fat and fluid and muck, and they've got those coneheads... My mother told me that when I was first born she looked at me and thought I was so ugly she wondered how I'd get through life."

(The image is a random newborn image from the Web. It is not the child of the DMG's friend.)

I hadn't thought about that before. I'd been more worried about watching the DMG give birth than the appearance of the bean himself. I understand a lot of men are squeamish about this.

"You can't have sex for months after birth," one experienced father told me recently. "Partly for physical reasons—she just won't be able to—and partly for psychological reasons: you've got a lot of imagery to get over."

Maybe that's why men are so visually-oriented: so that childbirth can mess with their heads enough to throw a towel on their libido for a couple of months. And women would have to be less visually-oriented because—well, look at men.

* * *

I have to admit I'm getting very impatient with the whole pregnancy thing. It was fun for a while, but at this point I just want to flash forward and see the kid. I'm utterly unprepared, of course—all we have so far are two pairs of baby socks and a couple of New England Patriots infant ensembles. We're months away from having a crib or bassinet or stroller in the apartment. Or a changing table. Or a plastic tub. Or bottles, or jingly little toys, or any of that stuff. In fact, I don't even know what we need to have in the apartment to prepare for the baby. I guess that's what all this pregnancy time is for: for everyone to tell us all the stuff we'll need, and what we'll need to do, and how to do it. And then for us to decide which advice to listen to and which to ignore.

When you put it like that, five-and-a-half months doesn't seem very long at all.

It hardly seems enough.

* * *

I'll be at the blog over the weekend. Feel free to visit.

* * *

It's been four years since the last February 29 and it'll be four more years until the next one. Don't waste it.

* * *

On February 27, 280 A.D., Emperor Constantine the Great was born. Constantine took half the Roman Empire and moved it to Byzantium, a little village which he built up into such a magnificent city that it was eventually named after him: Istanbul.

On February 27, 1939, General Francisco Franco's rebellion achieved victory in the Spanish Civil War. Ernest Hemingway had been defeated. The war was so successful that Europe decided to have the second world war, which was every bit as exciting as the Spanish Civil War but with more geography and submarines.

General Franco and Ernest Hemingway are still dead.

On February 27, 1951, the 22nd Amendment to the American Constitution was ratified by Minnesota, the 36th state out of 48 to ratify, thereby making it the law of the land. The 22nd Amendment states that no person shall be president of the United States more than twice unless they're Harry Truman.

The Moron's Index
Bean Counter: 15 weeks + 0 days
Days as a (Mostly) Non-Smoker: 12
Weird Childbirth Dreams, Last 24 Hours: 2
Dreams in Which DMG Births a Puppy or Other Small Pet (cumulative since conception): 5-10

Dagens Ord (The Word of the Day)
Bønnen. The Bean.

* * *

Chelsea Clinton turns 24 on the 27th. She shares her birthday with Howard Hesseman (1940), Ralph Nader (1934), Elizabeth Taylor (1932), Joanne Woodward (1930), John Steinbeck (1902), and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807).

February 28 is Finnish Culture Day in Finland, of all places. Rather than expending my own valuable hoard of mendacity on the subject, I entrust you to this authentic (.fi) Finnish source. Besides being Finnish Culture Day, February 28 is also Independence Day in Egypt and Heritage Day in Canada.

February 28 is the birthday of Gilbert Gottfried (1955), Bernadette Peters (1948), Brian Jones (1942), Mario Andretti (1940), Tommy Tune (1939), Gavin MacLeod (1930), Charles Durning (1923), Zero Mostel (1915), and Linus Pauling (1901).

Those born on February 29 include Antonio Sabato (1972), Jack Lousma (1936), and Jimmy Dorsey (1904).

Enjoy the weekend.

© 2004, The Moron's Almanac™

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