Ode to Election Day

Nov. 5 - I didn't get to vote yesterday, which was Election Day in the United States. (Note to foreign readers: the first Tuesday in November is always a federal election day in America, but in odd-numbered years there are no federal elections. A lot of states and municipalities still hold elections on that day, although they are under no obligation to so so and can hold elections on any day they like.)

Because I wasn't voting myself yesterday, I forgot to publish my annual rapture to Election Day.

Here it is.

* * *

In America, as in any democratic republic, voting is a sacred civic duty. It provides the body politic with a much-needed regular enema.

Elections are also important as a source of employment to tens of thousands of consultants, attorneys, marketers, and other otherwise unemployable Americans.

Elections let us hear the eloquent collective voice of ordinary special interest groups and give us the opportunity to be pandered to by fabulously wealthy men and women who wouldn't ordinarily give us the time of day.

Election seasons ensure that we have a regular opportunity to be told what's wrong with us and why it's someone else's fault.

And like everything else in our great nation, our elections are finally a valuable source of litigation. This ensures that, like everything else in our great nation, what had once been settled by consenting adults may instead be determined by lawyers.

Let the world watch with awe and envy as we continue our heroic and inexorable march toward becoming history's first Great Litigocracy!

* * *

It's Independence Day in El Salvador, Guy Fawkes Day in the UK, and Art Garfunkel's 62nd birthday.

Celebrating with Mr. Garfunkel (metaphorically, anyway) are Tatum O'Neal (1963), Bryan Adams (1959), Sam Shepard (1943), Elke Sommer (1940), Ike Turner (1931), Vivien Leigh (1913), and Roy Rogers (1911).

Happy Hump Day!

2003, The Moron's Almanac™

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