WEEKEND BRIEFING
Manifesto

Sept. 26 - There's not much to report about the dreaded toilet-seat return. I returned the old one, picked up a new one, and got a refund of 150 crowns in the process.

It was disappointing. I was counting on something interesting to write about. The sad truth is that my life just isn't intriguing enough to supply five good anecdotes a week.

So I came up with a bunch of ideas that I thought would make it easier for me to be interesting each day—lying, pornography, etc.—and developed a whole manifesto in which I declared my new resolve to be always interesting.

Here's the thing with manifestos, though: I hate them. I've got to put up with enough stupid laws and rules and guidelines and suggestions as it is. Why make any more for myself? What I really want—what I think we all really want—isn't more rules to follow, but less.

I am therefore casting off the chains of self-discipline and allowing myself to, you know, do things I couldn't do with all those metaphorical chains wrapped around me.

And so I've come up with an entirely different manifesto—an anti-manifesto manifesto. You can tell it's a superior manifesto because it's short. Here it is:

This Moron's Manifesto
I hereby resolve not to make any resolutions, vow not to make any vows, and solemnly swear not to swear anything, solemnly or otherwise, unless or until I change my mind.

Slackers of the world, unite!

Or whatever...

The Usual Crap

On September 26, 1580, Francis Drake returned to Plymouth, England, ending a three-and-a-half year journey around the world. It was nearly four more centuries, however, before "The Beverly Hillbillies" premiered on CBS (on this day in 1962). The lengthy lapse between these watershed events has never been explained.

On September 27, 1964, the Warren Commission issued its final report, concluding that president Kennedy had been assassinated and was probably dead.

British history began on September 28, 1066, with the Norman invasion of England. The Normans were a group of Franks who'd grown weary of being so Frank. Their decision to become Normans cost them their Frank citizenship, so they joined together and invaded England under the leadership of William (or, in Norman, "Norman") the Conqueror.

Prior to this invasion, Britain had been occupied mostly by Angles, Saxons, and large stones, who had never properly appreciated cricket, warm beer, or croquet and had therefore been unable to invent England. William (Norman) the Conqueror realized that, if it was ever going to amount to anything, what England really needed was a Great King, preferably someone very much like himself.

Appropriate arrangements were made.

Birthdays & Holidays

The 26th is the birthday of Serena Williams (1981), Linda Hamilton (1956), Olivia Newton-John (1948), John Coltrane (1926), Julie London (1926), Jack LaLanne (1914), George Gershwin (1898), T.S. Eliot (1888), and John Chapman (1774).

The 27th is the birthday of Gwyneth Paltrow (1972), Shaun Cassidy (1958), Mike Schmidt (1949), Meat Loaf (1947), Wilford Brimley (1934), Jayne Meadows (1926), and William Conrad (1920).

The 28th is the birthday of Mira Sorvino (1967), Moon Unit Zappa (1967), Janeane Garofalo (1964), Brigitte Bardot (1934), Marcello Mastroianni (1924), Al Capp (1909), and Ed Sullivan (1902).

The 26th is Constitution Day in Liechtenstein and Revolution Day in Yemen.

September 28 is Teachers Day in Taiwan and Flag Day in Thailand.

Enjoy the weekend. Or don't. Whatever...

2003, The Moron's Almanac™

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