The Moron's Daily Briefing

Apr. 29 - It was on this date in 1945 that Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun. The very next day she killed herself. So did Hitler. This demonstrates the importance of not rushing into marriage. You've got to take your time, get to know the other person, and really think it through. Especially if the other person happens to be an Evil Bastard at the head of a hellish genocidal war machine on the brink of defeat.

I myself will be getting married in August. I will have been with the DMB for five years at that point. I took great pains to confirm that she's neither evil, a bastard, nor hellbent on global domination. That's just good planning, and if everyone were this thorough I'm sure many more marriages would last.

But it's not enough just making sure your intended isn't a war-criminal-in-training. The sad truth is that if you plan to marry a human being you're in for a pretty bumpy road no matter what--which isn't to say it would be all roses if you married something other than human.

My own first marriage, for example, failed for many reasons, youth and stupidity among them. Youth and stupidity are leading contributors to many of the world's woes. It's almost as perilous a combination as age and experience.

So maybe Adolf and Eva were doomed anyway. Who knows? I'm only saying they should have given it a little more thought. Bunker marriages have a notorious failure rate.

Actually, in the United States today all marriages have a notorious failure rate. So maybe the best advice comes from Homer Simpson: "Never try anything."

He may be a four-fingered, yellow buffoon, but he's still married.

Jerry Seinfeld turns 49 today. He shares his birthday with Andre Agassi (1970), Uma Thurman (1970), Michelle Pfeiffer (1957), Daniel Day-Lewis (1957), Dale Earnhardt (1951), Duke Ellington (1899), and William Randolph Hearst (1863).

It's Greenery Day in Japan and Remembrance Day in Israel.

2002, The Moron's Almanac™

[close window]
[Daily Briefing Archive]