The Moron's Daily Briefing

Feb. 28 - February 28 is Finnish Culture Day in Finland, of all places. Rather than expending my own valuable hoard of mendacity on the subject, I entrust you to this authentic (.fi) Finnish source. The U.S. government announced on March 1, 1954, that it had conducted an H-Bomb test on Bikini Island in the Pacific. The test was so successful that it blew the once happy island into tiny bits that came to be known collectively as the Bikini Atoll.

Shrewd fashion moguls in France put two and two together and invented bell bottoms.

About four hundred years earlier--on March 1, 1562--Jason and his thousand Huguenots were at prayer in Vassy, France, when they were suddenly massacred by Catholics. Huguenots and Catholics subsequently fought "The Wars of Religion" for over three decades to settle the question of Best Religion Ever. Unfortunately the Edict of Nantes granted religious tolerance in 1598 and the question was never settled to anyone's satisfaction.

As a result, billions of human beings continue to honor the wrong religion to this very day. This Moron hopes God is grading on a curve. . .

As a young man, no one knew for sure if Nicholas I of Russia, son of Paul I, was Czar, Tsar, or Tzar. It was hard to know anything at all about anyone whose last name was a vowel, especially if they lived in a hermitage. Nicholas was therefore as confused as he was powerful, which inevitably led to his becoming an Evil Bastard.

He didn't realize what an Evil Bastard he'd become until he lost the Crimean War, at which point he discovered that he was also an Incompetent Bastard. This made him Autocratic, so he died on March 2, 1855.

On March 2, 1931, Mikhail Gorbachev was born with a big red splotch on his head, so he got right into politics. Gorbachev was the last Evil Bastard to reign over the Soviet Empire. Fortunately, he was also Bumbling Bastard, and his invention of glasnost and perestroika accidentally made walls fall down in Germany. This caused Boris Yeltsin to ride on top of a tank and was therefore historical.

On a less Russian note, Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, was born on March 2, 1904. He won the Pulitzer Prizer in 1984, and is one of only a few men in history to have written illustrated books in verse about a pedophiliac cat.

You can hardly blame the guy for changing his name.

Besides being Finnish Culture Day, February 28 is also Independence Day in Egypt and Heritage Day in Canada.

March 1 is Independence Day in South Korea ("Don't Even Think It Day" in North Korea), Heroes Day in Paraguay, and Victory of Adwa Day in Ethiopia.

March 2 is Independence Day in Morocco, Farmer's Day in Myanmar (and Burma), and Labor Day in Australia (presumably observed on Monday).

February 28 is the birthday of Gilbert Gottfried (1955), Bernadette Peters (1948), Brian Jones (1942), Mario Andretti (1940), Tommy Tune (1939), Gavin MacLeod (1930), Charles Durning (1923), Zero Mostel (1915), and Linus Pauling (1901).

Those born on February 29, and therefore not aging this year, include Antonio Sabato (1972), Jack Lousma (1936), and Jimmy Dorsey (1904).

Birthdays on March 1 include those of Ron Howard (1954), Alan Thicke (1947), Roger Daltrey (1944), Robert Conrad (1935), Harry Belafonte (1927), Pete Rozelle (1926), Dinah Shore (1917), Ralph Ellison (1914), Harry Caray (1914), David Niven (1910), and Glenn Miller (1904).

Jon Bon Jovi turns 41 on March 2. He shares his birthday with Lorraine Newman (1952), Lou Reed (1944), Mikhail Gorbachev (1931), Desi Arnaz (1917), and Dr. Seuss (1904).

Enjoy the weekend.

2002, The Moron's Almanac™

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