ECONOMIC FOCUS
Moronomics

12/16/02 - As the White House and Congress struggle to develop a cohesive economic plan, I have taken it upon myself to offer some unsolicited guidance.

The main difficulty in developing an economic plan, as anyone who's tried can tell you, is figuring out what the economy is.

We all know the economy has something to do with money, jobs, double coupons, and giant sucking sounds from Mexico, but it's far more complicated than conventional wisdom lets on.

In fact, like everything else, the economy is much too complicated to understand. That's precisely what makes it such an irresistable subject for politicians, journalists, and others paid to bewilder us.

Many economists claim to understand the economy, but have you ever heard of a billionaire economist? If any exist, they're obviously hiding on the same tropical island as all the billionaire psychics and sports handicappers.

Because economics can neither be explained, understood, nor predicted, it falls into the category of what some people call "soft science" or "bullshit." It can therefore be practiced by persons with no particular training or experience--qualifications enjoyed not only by most politicians and journalists, but also your moronic correspondent.

As a result, one economic plan is as good as the next, and mine--provided here, now, and for free--is consequently every bit as valid as anything produced by the Federal Reserve, the World Bank, or a chimpanzee with a handful of crayons.

I am therefore pleased to present the Moron's Economic Plan.

My plan has three objectives: to ensure employment for all Americans, to provide entertainment to all Americans, and to distract everyone while I hack into their checking accounts.

It sounds difficult, but I've developed a solution that's actually been gaining momentum across the nation for the last 15 or 20 years. The Moron Economic Plan consists of the construction of enough casinos to employ every single jobless American.

Think of it: 100% employment in a nation that would finally have more craps tables than Starbucks outlets. And just imagine the trickle-down effect on pawn shops, social workers, and the manufacturers of gambling paraphrenalia.

The entire cost to the government would consist of nothing more than the passage of a Constitutional amendment to make gambling a federally-protected right.

Doubting Thomases need only look at the example of the Native American community. Twenty years ago they were teetering on the brink of social collapse and economic obsolescence. Just look at them now!

Seriously. Keep looking.

And while you're looking, don't mind me. I'm just trying to guess your ATM password before Ashcroft beats me to it. . .

* * *

Today is Independence Day in Kazakhstan, Anniversary Day in New Zealand and Canterbury, and Reconciliation Day in South Africa.

Ludwig Van Beethoven would have been 232 years old today, and would certainly have composed birthday ditties for fellow birthday revellers William "Refrigerator" Perry (1962), Benny Andersson (1946), Steven Bochco (1943), Leslie Stahl (1941), Liv Ullmann (1939), Arthur C. Clarke (1917), Margaret Mead (1901), Noel Coward (1899), Jane Austen (1775), and Katherine of Aragon (1485).

2002, The Moron's Almanac™

[close window]
[Daily Briefing Archive]