The Moron's Daily Briefing

Aug. 13 - The city of Berlin split itself right down the middle forty-one years ago today.

The Cold War was running pretty Hot back then. The Russians were Evil Soviet Bastards. They were so evil they convinced East Germany to shut West Germany out. East Germany locked the Brandenburg gate and threw away the key. Then, just to be absolutely safe, they built the Great Wall of Berlin, and assigned evil socialist soldiers to shoot any West Germans who tried to sneak into East Germany.

Oddly enough, no West Germans tried to sneak in.

The soldiers, being evil socialist bastards with guns and therefore needing desperately to shoot at someone, therefore shot at East Germans.

About a year later, for example, on August 17, 1962, 18-year-old Peter Fechter was shot by evil East German bastards as he tried to cross the Berlin Wall into West Germany. He bled to death in public view.

The guards who shot him were tracked down and convicted of manslaughter thirty-four years later.

Moral: you might think you can get away with shooting people just because you're a heavily-armed socialist bastard living in an evil socialist regime propped up by an evil socialist empire, but you can't.

Not really.

It may seem like you can, but just wait.

Eventually John F. Kennedy announced that he was a jelly-filled donut, Ronald Reagan asked Mr. Gorbachev to tear down this wall, Boris Yeltsin rode on a tank, and there didn't seem to be any real point in having a Wall any more. So they tore it down.

On August 13, 1521, after a seventy-five day siege, Hernando Cortes captured and destroyed the capital of the Aztec Empire, Tenochtitlan (Aztec for "Mexico City"). It was important to defeat the Aztecs, because they were an Evil Empire that practiced Human Sacrifice and Difficult Spelling.

Today is the birthday of Danny Bonaduce (1959), Dan Fogelberg (1951), Don Ho (1930), Fidel Castro (1926), Alfred Hitchcock (1899), Bert Lahr (1895), and Annie Oakley (1860).

It's Independence Day in the Central African Republic.

2002, The Moron's Almanac™

[close window]
[Daily Briefing Archive]