DAILY BRIEFINGThe Moron's Daily Briefing
Jul. 3 - The Dog Days of summer begin today.
On July 3, 1969, Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones drowned in his own swimming pool. Although he was the first Rolling Stone to do so, Mr Jones is just one of millions of people to have drowned in their own swimming pools. As a public service I have therefore chosen to help American readers prepare for the long holiday weekend with some advice on how not to drown in one's pool.
1. The easiest way not to drown in your own pool is not to have one. Readers without pools may enhance their safety further by consulting the previous almanac articles, "How Not to Break Your Neck in Your Own Backyard" and "How Not to Set Your House on Fire."
2. If you insist upon owning a pool, don't swim in it, walk by it, or nap in its vicinity.
3. Pools don't drown people: water does. A drained pool is a safe pool. In troubling times like these, it's also worth noting that empty pools may be put to good use as bunkers or bomb shelters.
4. Avoid the use of electronic equipment while swimming. Today's multi-tasking professionals may feel inclined to save time by checking their email or drafting a Powerpoint presentation while taking a few laps, but this can prove ruinous for one's telecommunications equipment and, in the case of desktop computers or mainframes, not much better for one's own health.
5. Wait at least 45 minutes before swimming after the ingestion of mind-altering substances.
6. Don't be a rock star. Scientific research has proven that rock stars are seven times more likely than the general population to drown in swimming pools, bathtubs, or pools of their own vomit.
7. Do not attempt to convert the water in your pool to Jell-O. Jell-O is just as deadly as chlorinated water when ingested by the lungs, but far more likely to attract insects and vermin. It is one thing to drown in your own pool: it is quite another to drown in your own pool and then be devoured by maggots.
8. Avoid poisonous snakes.
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On this date in 1608, French explorer Samuel de Champlain invented Quebec.
It's Emancipation Day in the Virgin Islands.
Today is the birthday of Tom Cruise (1962), Tom Stoppard (1937). Ken Russell (1927), and Franz Kafka (1883).
© 2002, The Moron's Almanac