The Moron's Daily Briefing

Jun. 10 - Regular visitors may have noted that according to the moronic holiday calendar, today is Superman Celebration Day in Metropolis, Illinois.

It is with the deepest regret that I acknowledge my error. This year's Superman Celebration ran from the 6th through the 9th and has therefore already ended.

Metropolis, Illinois, is the only town of that name in the United States. This year marked the 24th anniversary of their festival, which was apparently a grand affair. In response to complaints about the food at last year's "George Award" ceremony and dinner, held at a local casino, a separate caterer was even brought in to provide this year's food. No cases of salmonella were reported, although several celebrants reported feeling "gassy" Sunday morning.

The Supermuseum displayed the actual set of the Daily Planet from the television serial. According to event organizers, it was "a functional Daily Planet," meaning that guests could "be part of the action." The museum also hosted two game-shows, "Who Wants to Be a Superman" and "The Weakest Kryptonite Link."

Tragically, men and women who depend upon the Moron's Almanac to keep them informed of the world's most important celebrations would have thought they still had time to catch this year's festivities, and may have even gone so far as to have made travel arrangements and booked hotel rooms for today instead of last Friday.

I apologize. It is entirely my fault.

And when I say it's my fault, I mean I accept responsibility for having outsourced my fact-checking to Chinese prison labor. It seemed like a prudent financial decision, but in hindsight I realize that it wouldn't have cost much more to have employed some of the immigrants lined up on the corner of Broadway and 43rd right here in Astoria.

I think I'm on safer ground when I state that today is Arab Revolt and Army Day in Jordan and Luis de Camoes Day in Portugal, and that it's the birthday of such luminaries as Tara Lipinski, F. Lee Bailey, Maurice Sendak, Judy Garland, and Saul Bellow.

Readers are reminded, however, to celebrate at their own risk.

2002, The Moron's Almanac™

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