The Moron's Weekend Briefing

Jun. 7 - Henceforward and from now on, Friday editions of the Moron's Daily Briefing will include information on the upcoming weekend, in order that readers not be caught unprepared on Saturday or Sunday.

On this day in 1494, Spain and Portugal signed the Treaty of Tordesillas.

In the volatile, war-torn world in which we live, many historical documents have become required reading. Not this one. You will never be standing at a cocktail party where someone says, "It's all because of that damn Treaty of Tordesillas." No one will ever blame the failures of the Mid East Peace Process or the brinkmanship in south Asia on the harsh conditions of the Treaty of Tordesillas. You'll never see your favorite pundit toss off the "Treaty of Tordesillas" in an ironic and off-handed way. You won't hear Noam Chomsky cite it as a cause or effect of American imperialism. You already know more about that treaty than most people alive today. You may now forget it ever existed. It has no relevance to your life.

Ugo Buoncompagni was born on June 7, 1502. He became Pope Gregory III in 1572 and remained the Pope until 1585. He is best known for reforming the Julian calendar, which is why it's now Gregorian instead of Julian. Had he reformed the calendar before becoming Pope, it would be the Ugian Calendar. That would have been a calendar worth having. Ives W. McGaffey of Chicago patented his "sweeping machine," the first suction vacuum cleaner, on June 8, 1869. Chicago was therefore famous for sucking long before the emergence of the Cubs.

On June 9, 1934, an American legend made his first appearance on the silver screen. Since then, he has appeared in over 450 films in more than 200 languages, held lead roles in dozens of television serials and hundreds of specials, and has been featured in books and magazines in every language. He has done all of this without wearing pants. He is, of course, the world's favorite lazy, bare-assed, hotheaded mallard: Donald Duck.

On June 8, 632, Mohammed died. He was the founder of Islam, and his death was the first in a long chain of events that ultimately resulted in the Treaty of Tordesillas.

June 7 is Liberation Day in Chad, Prince Joachim's Birthday in Denmark, Republic Day in Iceland, Riot Commemoration Day in Malta, and Unionsopplosningen in Norway. It is the birthday of Anna Kournikova, Prince (or whoever), Tom Jones, Dean Martin, Jessica Tandy, Paul Gauguin, and Pope Gregory III.

June 8 birthdays include Boz Scaggs, Nancy Sinatra, Barbara Bush, Frank Lloyd Wright, R.A. Schumann, and Sir Francis Crick. Born on June 9 were Michael J. Fox, Jackie Mason, and Cole Porter. No holidays of merit are celebrated on the 8th or 9th of June.

2002, The Moron's Almanac™

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